May 24, 2012

A Knowing

There are no words, but I’ll try.

This is what I feel: I don’t even know Him. I barely know Him. 
I may know Him more than "the majority", 
but that is not enough.
I have to know Him.

This hunger outweighs everything.
The world, and all its lusts, is growing dim.

There’s a place. There’s a place. There’s a place.
A hiding place.
A shhhhh place.
A under-the-covers-with-a-flashlight place with God.

Oh, to know Him.
It weighs even more than souls.
To know Him.

I will never learn to do ministry.
I refuse.
Instead, I will be like Moses who goes in the tent.
And when I come out my face will shine and lives will be changed.
There really is no other way to live….not anymore.

I’ve been ruined, stained with His Presence.
The depths I’ve known aren’t even in the deep end.
I’ve been fooled.

I thought I was swimming,
But this is only ankle-deep still.

Oh, Heavens, what is this place?

May 20, 2012

Untrodden Territory

I'm at a place with God that I've never been before. I've crossed into a realm that has sealed me in with no passport back to where I came from. I’m in a state of desperation and heightened perception that I never knew existed. What is this land? It is neither sky nor sea. Perhaps it’s depth and height both. Regardless, I don’t know how to charter these waters nor do I know the layout of this land. It’s so…new. I’ve always been in a state of growing in my walk with Christ, but I’ve seemed to have stepped into something entirely untrodden and otherworldy. I’m finding myself consistently undone, unglued. It’s not uncommon for me to burst into laughter for no apparent reason or, likewise, into sobs and supplications. And there’s this stirring, stirring, stirring in me. And it’s nearing a gnawing: a raging fire in my veins and bones. I don’t know much, but whatever place this is, it is holy. It is irreplaceable. It is good, but it is fearsome. I couldn't go back, even if I wanted to. 

This place. The air here is weighty. It presses on my chest and sinks me to my knees. The taste is of salt, trailing in on the wind, leaving my lips chapped like an adventurers. And the earth…(is this earth beneath me?) it’s ready. It’s ready to be tossed into fertile soil. Most peculiar in this country though are its sounds. There are so many. And they are of so vast a variety that it’s hard to define. There’s the sounds of chains snapping, but also of giants writhing. There’s the sound of ocean-depths. And orphan cries. And billowing whirlwinds. And clanking armor. And love-intoxicated melodies. What is this place? What can it be? And what is this in me? There's treasure in my depths that I knew nothing of.  Believe me, I'm not boasting in the jar of clay, but in the immeasurable Being I found that dwells in the encasement of me. 

There are heads rolling of beasts I never thought could be conquered, and color bursting forth from places where only darkness was. And a door, as old as time-suspended in nothingness-unlocks a universe of wonder, spectacles, and foolish, lavish love for a King whose face is etched with laugh-lines. Everything in me seems to have snapped at once to make room for this Foreign Something. It's as if I swallowed the whole ocean in one sitting and now the weight of it, and all the life that teems within it, is within me. What has happened? And what have I done to deserve such goodness?

There's no precedent to this. There was no preparation for this. It's like waking up to find yourself positioned directly beneath the waters of Niagara Falls. Except it doesn't break or drown; it builds and breathes. I've been to places in You, Lord, I never knew, but never other worlds! What is this place? What is it?